You don't build character
Here's why I think we need a new action verb to describe what we are doing when we are working on our character.
Character is not built … it’s … it’s something else. I’m trying to put my finger on it. Here's why I think we need a new action verb to describe what we are doing when we are working on our character.
My wife likes to tease our kids whenever they have to do something they don't want to, or something that is hard for them, that they are “building character” by doing it. That could be unloading the dishwasher, cleaning their room, cleaning out the rabbit cages, ordering their own meal at the fast food counter, etc.
While I agree that increasing character and the ability to do hard things is a fantastic individual or community goal, character is not a destination. It's something we grow towards and must be mindful of always. Character doesn’t stand the test of time without regular reinforcement and refurbishment just like any old building needs.
Using similar logic, I suggest the following idea.
If we don’t build character, we also don’t build trust or build relationships. These things we tend to – and often. They are not something we work towards once, and then when we “obtain” them, we are done and don't have to do anything further. They also aren’t preserved – able to be accessed conveniently when necessary. No, these things don’t keep well and have a short shelf-life.
We need a different word to describe the kind of meaningful work that goes into “character building.” I’m leaning towards foster or encourage, but I also like mold and shape.
“We mold our character.” “We foster trust.” “We encourage relationships with others.”
I think these words better capture what we are doing when we engage in these activities.
I recently listened to this podcast episode from Brene Brown, Adam Grant and Simon Sinek. They are three of my favorite contemporary authors. (It’s a great conversation broken into two parts. I highly recommend it.) In the episode, Sinek said the following that I think defines this work of character-molding, trust-building and human relationship encouragement:
[Relationship building] is not an event, it’s not a project. It’s like working out, or eating healthy, it’s like this: ‘Congratulations, you’re in shape, and now you have to keep it for the rest of your life.’ And that’s what relationships are. Relationships are constant, consistent maintenance.
I was reminded of this concept recently as I've been content planning for a new editorial calendar year. With my new role as VP of Publishing, I'm stepping back from the day-to-day interactions of working with editorial contributors. The editor who has taken over for me is CCing me on every initial message to contributors that I once worked with. But the editor is reporting that some have not responded to her. When she tells me who it is, I’m pretty confident they would have responded to me by now.
I’m learning that whatever relationship I have with these authors is between me and them. It’s not a relationship with them and our company (although there is probably an element of trust to that too). Just because I have a relationship with them, and they worked with me in the past, doesn’t guarantee the next person in line will have the same experience. That person will have to do the work of relationship building. They too must foster, encourage and mold their interactions with others in order to build a long-term relationship.
After hearing so many times about character building, my kids now try to turn the tables on my wife. When she has to do something hard and they try to use the “toughen up it builds character line,” she often retorts, “I don’t need to do that. My character is built!”
But character is never fully built and neither is trust or relationships. That’s something we could all do well to learn early in life.